Letting Go...

So often I am asking myself...
Is this the life you dreamed of living?
Is this where you want to be?
If you died today would you be happy with the life you have lead so far?
The truth is...this is not at all the life I thought I would have!
Never in a million years would I have seen myself living this life!
As a teenager I had so many dreams of leaving this small town and moving far away to a big city and working in a big office doing something with fashion...writing... designing... doing makeup for runway models.
  All while living in a loft with a boyfriend who I would never marry
( because I always thought I would lose interest in a husband )
and a dog or cat that would act as my child!
This was the kind of life I thought I would have.
Instead my life is here in this small town where I have spent most all my life...
in a house with a husband and real life child!
Don't get me wrong I would never change the way it turned out but there are times I really wonder if those dreams I had should have been fought for harder or if there is a way to still achieve those dreams in a different way...
 Here's the thing...
I have anxiety!
Very bad anxiety that comes with panic attacks.
 I had my first panic attack in high school.
I was in class and all the sudden this overwhelming feeling came over me that something bad was going to happen...
Like I was going to faint or lose control.
I had to get out!
I flew to the door gasping for air!
It was the only thing I could do!
 Get out!
I was outside the door of the classroom and I broke down in tears.
The teacher came out and sent me to the nurses office!
The next day I was so nervous it was going to happen again that it did!
This went on for a while until finally I couldn't go to any classes and I had to be home schooled!
I missed a lot of the high school experiences because of my anxiety and missed out on a lot of things that potentially could have changed the direction of my life. 
Since then I have had anxiety and panic attacks all throughout my life...
at times its worse than others!
About 4 years ago I was supposed to go on a cruise with my now husband and his family for his dads 50th birthday
( I had been having bouts of anxiety here and there for about a month prior )
It was 10 minutes before we were supposed to leave for the airport and I freaked out!
I couldn't go!
I couldn't get myself to get in the car and go!
I had a full blown panic attack and was losing my mind!
My husband was so upset and didn't really know what to do.
I told him to just go and he did.
I thought for sure this was it for us!
I thought he would call me and ask me to be gone by the time he got back from the trip.
I mean really who would want to be with someone like me, a freak is what I thought I was.
I later found out he was going to propose to me on the trip.
While he was gone my dad took me to a place called The Behavioral Medical Center.
The place where the crazy people go ( or so I thought ).
Its a facility where they take people with mental health issues...eating disorders...alcohol and drug additions to people who are schizophrenic.
I was so scared to go but I felt like I had no other choice!
 I was loosing control over my life!
 I have to say it was the best two months of my life!
I met some of the most amazing people!
People who were braver than I ever knew someone could be!
People who had been to the depths of hell and back more than a few times!
I met friends!
The best kind of friends!
The ones who saw me for me! Who loved me unconditionally! Who understood what I was going through because they were there themselves!
 Friends who saw me at my worst and stood next to me holding my hand when they themselves needed a hand to hold!
 When I was done with my treatment I was so scared to leave!
It was an outpatient program so I went home every day, but to know that I would be without them on a daily basis was so scary!
I took what I learned about myself and about my disorder and I left!
I haven't had a panic attack that I couldn't handle within a few minutes since I have been there!
I'm so thankful for that place and for the people that supported me while I was going through that time!
I'm so happy my husband didn't leave me and that he loved me enough to help me through it and loved me enough to want to spend his life with me knowing that he would have to deal with this forever!
So that's my story...
 But what I was getting at before in the beginning of this post is that my anxiety has forced me to have to put some of the dreams I once had away and to make new dreams.
Since I started this blog I have struggled to come out of my blogging shell I guess you could say!
I haven't found the me in my blogging...
mostly because I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of what people will think and say and I'm afraid of doing something and actually enjoying it or being good at it because right now this is my dream and don't want to lose it!
 So I'm saying to hell with my anxiety!
This blog is me!
Its who I am and I'm going for it!
Take it or leave it!...
I'm hoping you take it!
 Too many times we let things in our life define who we are and there comes a time when we have to stop letting it take control.
For me that's right now!!!


moreygirl said...

that was brave, girl! I just wandered over from etsy. keep it up with your writing!

V@ Agape Live Love said...

Wow awesome awesome post!

sunniebee said...

~The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people don't just happen. ~