Through the clouds

I know I said I would share my thoughts and feelings about my loss but its almost like I cant put the words together to even begin to explain it. I don't know if maybe I haven't figured it all out within myself but its just really hard to find the words! I think I have felt so many different emotions, to put them all down would take forever! I'm just ready for the storm clouds to pass and the sun to come through...

I honestly believe that everything happens for a reason and to be honest it just wasn't/isn't the right time for the hubby and I to have another child! As much as I love being a mom and I'm looking forward to having another beautiful baby the time just isn't right! I have so many things to figure out still and I know that God was only looking out for me!

So like I said before I'm going to just focus on what I do have and when the time is right it will happen!

Some good news...

Tutorials are coming soon!!!

YaY!!!

Giveaways Giveaways

So despite everything that's been going on, I have been participating in a couple giveaways for some amazing blogs!

I just ended my second giveaway today over at All Things Lovely!

I just love Cami and I had such a great experience working with her! We had a rough start but it ended up working out just perfect!

I would love for you to visit her blog here! She has some awesome style tips you don't want to miss out on!

If your a follower because of her blog...

I'm so excited for you to be here!!!

While that giveaway has come to an end...today was the start of another one over at Swell Swag!

Swell Swag is an amazing blog where the lovely Celeste brings you product reviews and giveaways non-stop!!!

 Its so much fun and I'm so excited to be doing a giveaway with her! 

I cant wait to see who wins!

 Head over here now for your chance to win!

Update...

Its been a very crazy emotional month for me! 

I wanted to update you on my previous post.

I went in for an ultrasound last Friday and it was pretty intense. 

My appointment lasted for a good hour! Usually its only 15 min.

I asked the tech if she could see a baby would I be able to take a peek and she said she would let me know if she could see anything...well 30 min into it she hadn't said anything!

Its so annoying that they cant say anything or show you anything! I hate that! Its my body at least let me look at the damn screen! Sorry anyway...

So I finally asked her if she could see anything and she said "your still early sweetie I'm sorry" ugh okay well what the ... is going on with me then?

 Well she spent an awful long time on the left side of my tummy and that is where I had been having the most cramping. 

After it was all over she told me to call my doctor after they got back from lunch and they should have the results. So I called and they still hadn't received anything.

Finally my Doctor called me right at 5! He told me that he had been looking over my images and there is no sign of a viable pregnancy but they did find something on the left side of my fallopian tube.

I was indeed having an eptopic pregnancy.

He told me I needed to come in right away and get a shot of Methotrexate to stop the pregnancy from going any further!

I made it to his office by 5:20 and he gave me the shot!

I'm still trying to gather my thoughts around all of this. I have a million different emotions at the moment and I just need time to sort it all out.

When I get my thoughts together I will share them with all of you!

Thank you so much for all your support and understanding!

Today...

I'm so sorry I haven't posted in a while. I was hoping that today I would be sharing some very exciting news with everyone but it didn't end up the way I had hoped it would. Let me back up...About a month ago ( this might be tmi for some people so read with caution ) I had my period and everything was normal well 2 days after I thought it was all over wham there it is again while I'm walking in beautiful palm dessert with my family in a dress...just had to point that out!!! Anyways so then a week goes by and I'm still spotting...I start to freak out a little so I go to the urgent care and they tell me I'm prego!!! What the...Prego? First of all the hubs and I only tired one time and second after we did we were like ugh maybe we should wait we have a nice vacation planned and I didn't want to be sick but things don't always work out as planned so it was game one...well except that I'm bleeding and pregnant which is a little scary! So they check my beta levels and they are around 500 ( no idea what that means but they said I'm about 2-3 weeks prego ) so they tell me to go back and get more blood work done in 2 days. So I do and they are at 800 but I'm still bleeding...I see my ob doc and he tells me the spotting could indicate a miscarriage! Again...what the??? So I'm freaked out but trying to stay positive because he gives me little hope by saying that it could also just be normal. Okay so I go back and get my blood drawn again and this time I'm at 1800. Awesome sign! I cant get an ultrasound until I'm at 2000 so I wait 2 more days and get the blood work done AGAIN...19 and change baby. Mind you I'm so stressed out all I want to do is sleep until this baby is 32 weeks! So they schedule me an ultrasound for the following Tuesday ( this being today ). I'm at the ultrasound office and I'm so excited! I'm gonna be able to see my little Lima Bean! So she is pushing on my very full bladder and nothing is showing up...so she whips out the vaginal wand ( she asked if I wanted to insert it myself by the way...ummm not really that's kinda weird! ). So shes pushing and moving it all around and still nothing...my heart sinks to the floor and I cant even breath! She is telling me not to worry because I could be too early to see anything! Don't worry? Okay because that's worked out for me the last month! Thanks for the advice lady!

So...I thought I would be sharing a picture of the most amazing little peanut looking human but I have nothing to show.

I'm so scared, so stressed, and so over not having any answers! I just want to know that everything is okay and that its going to all turn out fine! I know that if things are not okay that everything happens for a reason and no matter what in the end they will be! I just have to remind myself this every min of every day! Being a momma is so hard! It begins before it even starts and never ends! Its by far the hardest title I have ever carried! One that I love more than anything in this world and no matter how big or how much I worry I would never take it back.

I hope that soon I will be able to post my picture for everyone to see but until then...I'm going to focus on the positive and enjoy what I do have!

Hello me at 16...

So the lovely lady over at Little Miss Momma has challenged us to write a letter to ourselves at 16. I love this idea so I thought I would give it a try...

Dear 16 year old Elizabeth,
      Slow down! Don't force yourself to grow up so fast! This moment will be some of the best in your life! Enjoy them! Every minute of them because one day your going to look back and wish you had held on a little longer...a little tighter!
      When you have your first panic attack in Spanish class...Know that its okay to be scared and that the people who love you the most will be there holding your hand every step of the way! Don't be embarrassed of it. It will shape you into who you will be!
      Your first date is going to be amazingly perfect! He will be your first love and you will remember this night and him forever! Make sure that when you find out some bad news later to just forgive him and love him more because you will know in your heart he didn't do it. Hold on to this time with him because its your first love and even though he isn't your last nothing else will compare! When the time comes to move on...don't be sad for long because you will remain friends and a different kind of love will be in store for you!
      The nights when your driving your best friend home...drive slower because you will look back and wish you had all the extra seconds in the world to be with her! She's going to leave for college and your going to think your world is over but the hurt will pass and you will visit her and make more memories! She will be your best friend until the end of days!
      Know that your parents don't hate you! They are only protecting you! One day you will know how it feels to love something beyond this world! Until then listen and respect their wishes! They really do want what is best for you!
      Enjoy sharing a room with your sister! Its going to be something you wish you could do again when you don't! Spend more time with her than your friends! She will be your rock for everything so treat her right! She might think your annoying and you might think she despises you but trust me she loves you so much! Give her hugs and be there for her every chance you can!
      Most of all...love who you are! Be as good of a friend as you would like to have and love with everything you have! Your life is going to be more than you ever dreamed! I promise you! I know!!!
                                                         Love you at 26!

Now its your turn...what would you tell yourself looking back on how your life has played out so far...I would love to read your letter so leave a comment if you would like!!!