Today...

I'm so sorry I haven't posted in a while. I was hoping that today I would be sharing some very exciting news with everyone but it didn't end up the way I had hoped it would. Let me back up...About a month ago ( this might be tmi for some people so read with caution ) I had my period and everything was normal well 2 days after I thought it was all over wham there it is again while I'm walking in beautiful palm dessert with my family in a dress...just had to point that out!!! Anyways so then a week goes by and I'm still spotting...I start to freak out a little so I go to the urgent care and they tell me I'm prego!!! What the...Prego? First of all the hubs and I only tired one time and second after we did we were like ugh maybe we should wait we have a nice vacation planned and I didn't want to be sick but things don't always work out as planned so it was game one...well except that I'm bleeding and pregnant which is a little scary! So they check my beta levels and they are around 500 ( no idea what that means but they said I'm about 2-3 weeks prego ) so they tell me to go back and get more blood work done in 2 days. So I do and they are at 800 but I'm still bleeding...I see my ob doc and he tells me the spotting could indicate a miscarriage! Again...what the??? So I'm freaked out but trying to stay positive because he gives me little hope by saying that it could also just be normal. Okay so I go back and get my blood drawn again and this time I'm at 1800. Awesome sign! I cant get an ultrasound until I'm at 2000 so I wait 2 more days and get the blood work done AGAIN...19 and change baby. Mind you I'm so stressed out all I want to do is sleep until this baby is 32 weeks! So they schedule me an ultrasound for the following Tuesday ( this being today ). I'm at the ultrasound office and I'm so excited! I'm gonna be able to see my little Lima Bean! So she is pushing on my very full bladder and nothing is showing up...so she whips out the vaginal wand ( she asked if I wanted to insert it myself by the way...ummm not really that's kinda weird! ). So shes pushing and moving it all around and still nothing...my heart sinks to the floor and I cant even breath! She is telling me not to worry because I could be too early to see anything! Don't worry? Okay because that's worked out for me the last month! Thanks for the advice lady!

So...I thought I would be sharing a picture of the most amazing little peanut looking human but I have nothing to show.

I'm so scared, so stressed, and so over not having any answers! I just want to know that everything is okay and that its going to all turn out fine! I know that if things are not okay that everything happens for a reason and no matter what in the end they will be! I just have to remind myself this every min of every day! Being a momma is so hard! It begins before it even starts and never ends! Its by far the hardest title I have ever carried! One that I love more than anything in this world and no matter how big or how much I worry I would never take it back.

I hope that soon I will be able to post my picture for everyone to see but until then...I'm going to focus on the positive and enjoy what I do have!